To say that I care about my grades is probably the understatement of the century. I’m the type of person that will be upset with myself for getting a 103 instead of a 105. It’s ridiculous, right? Both grades are higher than the highest grade you can technically make, so who cares? Well, obviously, for whatever reason, I do. It doesn’t matter if I made the highest grade in my class. If it isn’t completely perfect, I get upset. I’m pretty much the same way with people. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that there are people who don’t like me (and I know that they exist.) I have this overwhelming need to please everyone around me all the time, including myself. If I don’t do something perfectly, all I can think about is the fact that I could have done better, not that I did well in the first place.
It’s such a burden to go through every single day with the mindset that I have to be absolutely perfect at everything. Perfect grades, perfect responses, perfect friend, perfect timing, perfect taping, perfect sister…. Just perfect. I’m always disappointed because, let’s face it, I’ve never been able to be perfect. Sure, I’ll make a perfect grade on a test, but then I’ll turn around and snap at a classmate & there goes being perfect. If perfection is my goal, I’m never going to be smart enough, nice enough, prepared enough, or responsible enough. I’m never going to be good enough, and that’s such a depressing thought to live with, the thought of never being enough.
I told someone in the hallway today that their worth was not defined by a test score… Then I realized I should probably be listening to myself. My worth isn’t defined by what other people think of me. My worth is not defined by the mistakes that I make, and my worth is most certainly not defined by a test score. My worth is found in my Heavenly Father. I am not a 73, a 38, an 82, a 97, a 104, or even a 15. I am a beloved child of the One True King. And that will always be enough.
1 Corinthians 16:23-24,